POOL OF SHARKS

Submitted by Jim Carter

A millionaire threw a huge party for his 50th birthday. Taking the microphone, he told his guests that out in the garden he had a swimming pool filled with two great white sharks.

“I’ll give anything I own to the person who swims across that pool,” he announced.

The party went on with no takers until there was a tremendous splash. Everyone ran outside to see a man churning through the water as fast as he could. He made it to the other side, just missing a shark’s jaws, and climbed out, shaking and soaked.

The millionaire grabbed the microphone. “I’m a man of my word. I’ll give you anything I own—my Ferraris, my house—anything. You’re the bravest man I’ve ever seen. So, sir, what will it be?”

The man took the microphone and said, “First, let’s start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!”

GOOD DEEDS

Submitted by Tim & Debra Menger

Two men were at a bar watching the news on the TV and shaking their heads.

Jim said, “You know, we really ought to do good deeds to help others.”

“Good idea,” said Clark.

Just then a man stumbled and fell flat on his face beside their table.

“Look,” said Jim. “God has given us a task already.”

They each grabbed an arm and lifted the man.

“Buddy,” Jim said, “you’re drunk. We’re taking you home.”

He fell twice more on the way out of the bar and once as they loaded him into their car.

“Boy,” said Jim, “he’s really in bad shape.”

The man slurred directions to his house. When they pulled into his driveway, he slipped from their grip two more times before they reached the porch and rang the doorbell.

His wife opened the door.

“Here’s your husband,” Clark said. “We brought him home because he’s too drunk to get here alone.”

The woman looked at them and said, “Well, thanks, but where on earth is his wheelchair?” 

NEXT OF KIN

Submitted by Nora Flynn

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. One fine spring morning, Father O’Malley rose from his bed in his new West Texas parish, walked to his bedroom window for a breath of fresh air and saw a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the senator’s office.

“Good morning. How may I help you?” the secretary asked.

“And the best of the day to yourself,” Father O’Malley said. “This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front yard. Would you be so kind as to send a couple of your lads to take care of the matter?”

Thinking she’d have a little fun, the secretary replied, “Well now, Father, I always thought you people took care of the last rites.”

There was a short silence. Then Father O’Malley said, “Aye, that’s true. But we’re also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is why I’m calling.”

SHOVEL WITH A MIND OF ITS OWN

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

We’ve all been stuck at road construction sites. Recently I was stopped for quite a while, so I got out of my pickup and talked with a few of the workers. One guy said he’d heard a rumor that a lot of them might be out of a job soon.

“Why?” another asked.

“I heard someone invented a shovel that stands up by itself,” he said.

SUNDAY SCHOOL SCIENCE

Submitted by Paul Greene

A minister decided a visual demonstration would punch up his Sunday sermon. He placed four worms into four separate jars.

The first worm went into a jar of alcohol.

The second went into a jar filled with cigarette smoke.

The third went into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth went into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the end of the sermon, he checked the jars. The worm in alcohol was dead. The worm in cigarette smoke was dead. The worm in chocolate syrup was dead. The worm in clean soil was alive and wiggling.

The minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine in the back pew called out, “If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

SHOE-OFF

Submitted by Julie Adams

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell ill at work. It was an innocent gesture, but he decided not to mention it to his very jealous wife.

That night, as he and his wife were driving to a restaurant, he glanced down and saw a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to draw attention, he waited until his wife looked out her window, then quickly scooped up the shoe and tossed it out the car window.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming in her seat.

“Honey,” she said, “have you seen my other shoe?”

QUICK LAUGHS

Submitted by Marian & Earl Wyatt

What do you call a lady that married a hippie?

Mississippi.

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business.

What do you call a dinosaur’s farts?

A blast from the past.

BIRDS & BEES, KID STYLE

Submitted by Betty Cole

When my sons were 4 and 3, it was springtime and some birds in the yard were getting a little amorous. Terry, the 3-year-old, thought they were fighting.

Tim, the 4-year-old, put his arm around his brother and said, “Don’t worry, Terry. They’re just giving each other piggyback rides.”

FOOTBALL DREAMIN’

Submitted by Sam Douglas

After watching football games on TV all day, a man fell asleep in his recliner and spent the whole night there.

The next morning his wife woke him and said, “It’s 20 to 7.”

Half asleep, he mumbled, “In whose favor?” 

PARTING WORDS

Submitted by Rhonda Wray

One Sunday the pastor went off script and asked the three men in the front row what they hoped their loved ones would say as they gazed down into their open caskets.

Bill said, “That I was a good husband and father.”

John said, “That I lived a life of kindness to others.”

Don said, “Hey, look, he’s moving!”

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