SENIOR’S PRAYER

Submitted by Donna Simmons

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please, no wrinkles, please no bags,

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, please no gray,
And as for my belly—please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, please keep me young,

And thank you, dear Lord, for all you’ve done.

SEEN ON T-SHIRTS

Submitted by Rachel Morales

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

I’m still hot… it just comes in flashes.

I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won’t have to make up anything at your funeral.

A NEW SORT OF WITCHCRAFT

Submitted by Georgina Patterson

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today, it’s called golf.

HORSES IN HEAVEN

Submitted by Barbara Morrow

Two lifelong friends, Rose and Barb, shared a love for horseback riding. As Rose lay on her deathbed, Barb visited her every day. 

One afternoon, she said, “Rose, we’ve spent our whole lives riding horses. Please do me a favor—when you get to Heaven, find a way to let me know if there’s horseback riding there.”

Rose smiled weakly and replied, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this for you.”

Shortly after, Rose passed away.

A few nights later, Barb was startled awake by a flash of bright light and a familiar voice calling her name.

“Barb! Barb!”

Barb sat up suddenly. “Who is it?” she asked.

“It’s me, Rose.”

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” Rose said. “I have some really good news… and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” Barb said.

“The good news is, there’s horseback riding in heaven! Even better, all our old riding buddies are here, we’re young again, it’s always springtime, and the weather is perfect—no rain, no snow. And best of all, we can ride as much as we want without ever getting tired!”

“That’s amazing!” Barb exclaimed. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So… what’s the bad news?”

Rose hesitated. “Well… you’re scheduled to lead the trail ride next Tuesday.”

WEDDING NOTICE

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

On Sunday, Dr. Smith married Miss Jones. Everyone says they are the perfect couple. He’s a proctologist and she’s a pain in the a**.

A PRICKLY JOKE

Submitted by Richard Reno

What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine? A slow poke!

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Submitted by Mike Henderson

A father sat down with his 10-year-old son and asked, “Do you know about the birds and the bees?”

“I don’t want to know!” the boy shouted, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”

Confused, the dad asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Dad,” the boy sobbed. “When I was 6, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ talk. At 7, you told me there’s no Easter Bunny. At 8, you crushed me with the ‘No Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you’re about to tell me that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for!”

TRUE STORY

Submitted by Patricia Fordney 

Years ago, when Paul McCartney released a new song, one of my patients told me a story that still makes me chuckle.

Her granddaughter came to her one day, wide-eyed with excitement, and said, “Grandma, did you know Paul McCartney used to be in another band?”

How times change! 

FRACTURED DEFINITIONS

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Aardvark: An animal that resembles the anteater.

Baby: Mother’s little yelper.

Baseball Bat: A fly swatter.

Canteen: A thirst-aid kit.

Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Doghouse: A mutt hut.

Flirting: Wishful winking.

IRS: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.

Zookeeper: A critter sitter.

HANDY CLEANING TIPS

Submitted by Lisa Montgomery

Dirt: Layers of dust on windows and screens provide a natural filter against harmful UV rays. Think of it as an SPF 15—best to leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Delicately draped webs over lampshades create a soft, romantic glow. If someone suggests dusting, just gasp dramatically and say, “What? And ruin the ambiance?” Or throw some glitter on them and call it festive décor.

Pet Hair: That mound of pet fur in the corner? It’s not a mess—it’s a winter draft stopper. Totally intentional.

Guests: If unexpected company is at the door, toss everything into one room, shut the door and as you guide them through your tidy home, rattle the doorknob and whisper, “I’d show you the den, but Buster gets territorial… and his shots are so expensive.”

Dusting: If the dust buildup is getting out of hand, place an ornate urn on the coffee table and say solemnly, “This is where Grandpa wanted his ashes scattered.”

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup of pine-scented cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air, leave some damp rags lying around, collapse onto the couch and sigh, “I clean and I clean, and yet it’s never enough.”

Last Resort: Preheat the oven, sprinkle a little cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off the oven, and tell guests you’ve been baking for charity—just too busy to clean. 

Bonus Tip (possibly from Erma Bombeck): Always keep a few Get Well Soon cards on display. That way, if unexpected guests drop by, you can sigh and say, “Oh, I’ve been too sick to clean.”  

FORGETFULNESS

Submitted by Ashleigh Rae

An elderly couple is sitting on the couch when the wife says, “I think my memory is getting worse. I’m going to see the doctor.”

Her husband replies, “Why? He’s just going to ask what’s wrong and you’ll forget anyway.”

“That’s not how it works!”

“Exactly,” he says. “That’s what you keep telling me every time I forget our anniversary.”