WALKING ON WATER

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A Scotsman walked into a travel agency to plan a trip to the Holy Land. He said he especially wanted to visit the Sea of Galilee.

The agent said, “No problem. Boat rides are $50.”

“Fifty dollars?” the Scotsman exclaimed. “That’s outrageous!”

“Well,” the agent replied, “that’s where our Lord walked on water.”

“At those prices,” the Scotsman said, “no wonder he walked.”

MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Submitted by Carl Benson

After years of nonstop arguing, a couple finally agreed to try marriage counseling.

At the first session, the counselor asked, “So, what seems to be the problem?”

The husband sat in silence.

The wife launched into a nonstop list of complaints—15 minutes of frustration without taking a breath.

The counselor got up, walked over, gently lifted her from her chair and kissed her passionately. Then he set her back down.

She sat stunned. The husband blinked in disbelief.

The counselor turned to him and said, “Your wife needs that at least twice a week.”

The husband replied, “Well, I can bring her in on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

INTUITIVE MOM

Submitted by Ricki Dawson

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and plans to get married.

“Just for fun,” he says, “I’m going to bring over three women. You guess which one I’m going to marry.”

His mom agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women over and seats them on the couch. They chat for a while.

Then he says, “Okay, Ma—guess which one I’m marrying.”

Without hesitation, she says, “The one in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma! You’re right! How did you know?”

She shrugs and says, “I don’t like her.”

PLEASE NOTICE

Submitted by Helen Strickland

You may have noticed the growing number of notices to notice. We’ve noticed that some of these notices have gone unnoticed. And the lack of response to these notices has been noticeably unnoticeable. So this is a notice reminding you to notice the notices—and to respond to the notices—so the notices won’t go unnoticed.

Sincerely, The Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

A DIET

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

My doctor recently put me on a new diet. He told me I could only eat foods that start with the letter A.

As soon as I left his office, I gave it a shot. I went to a pizza place and ordered A pizza with double cheese. Then I headed to an ice cream shop and got A double fudge banana split.

Boy, do I love this diet!

ONLY ONE WAY

Submitted by Dennise Barlow

During a weekly Lamaze class, the instructor stressed how important it was for expectant mothers to exercise—and hinted that husbands should join in by walking with their wives. From the back of the room, one dad-to-be raised his hand and asked, “Would it be okay if she carried a bag of golf clubs while she walks?”

INSIDER TIP

Submitted by Dennise Barlow

A starstruck reporter once gushed to Jack Nicklaus, “You’re incredible—your name is practically synonymous with golf! You really know your way around a course. What’s your secret?”

Nicklaus smiled and replied, “The holes are numbered.”

PROUD MEN

Submitted by Jacen Klippert

A five-day trip requires just one suitcase.

No need to learn how to spell a new last name.

Wedding plans basically take care of themselves.

Wedding dress: $2,000. Tux rental: $100.

If we are 34 and single, nobody notices.

If someone forgets to invite us to something, we can still be friends.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

We can drop by a friend’s house without bringing a gift.

If another guy shows up in the same outfit, you might become best friends.

We can’t see wrinkles in our clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts us years—maybe decades.

We don’t have to shave below the neck.

One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

We have freedom of choice about growing a mustache.

We can do our nails with a pocket knife.

Just throw them in the dirty clothes with everything else.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

We never have to stop and think which way to turn a wrench.

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Submitted by Frank Delaney

How does a two-pound box of candy make you gain five pounds?

My mind doesn’t just wander—it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your problems? Wear tight shoes.

The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight—your body and fat have become best friends.

Just when I get used to yesterday, along comes today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything... then I regain consciousness.

SUMMER JOKES

Submitted by Gloria Delafoe

How do you know the ocean is friendly?
It waves.

When do you go on red and stop on green?
Eating watermelon.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.

Where do sheep go on vacation?
The Baa-hamas.

What did the reporter say to the ice cream?
What’s the scoop?

What do bees say in the summer?
It’s swarm.

What do the pigs say on a hot day?
I’m bacon.

Where do cows go on summer vacation?
Moo York.

Why can’t two watermelons get married in Vegas?
Because they cantaloupe.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

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