THE POND

Submitted by Ozzie Carson

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years. Behind the house was a pond he had fixed up nicely, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court and apple and peach trees nearby. The pond was even shaped and maintained for swimming.

One evening, the old farmer decided to walk down and check on it. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket so he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he got closer, he saw a group of young women skinny-dipping in the water.

He cleared his throat to let them know he was there, and they all swam to the deep end.

One of them shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave! Go away, you dirty old man!”

The old man frowned.

“I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or to make you get out of the pond,” he said.

Then he held up the bucket.

“I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

TAX AUDIT

Submitted by Wilma Alexander

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office. The auditor wasn’t surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

“Well, sir,” the auditor said, “you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment. Your explanation is that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” Grandpa said. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment. “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor considered the bet and agreed.

Grandpa removed his glass eye and bit it.

The auditor’s jaw dropped.

“Now,” Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor knew Grandpa wasn’t blind, so he took the bet.

Grandpa removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned auditor realized he had wagered and lost $3,000, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He started to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asked. “I’ll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into that wastebasket on the other side and not get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, looked carefully and decided there was no way Grandpa could pull off the stunt, so he agreed.

Grandpa stood beside the desk and unzipped his pants. Although he strained mightily, he couldn’t make the stream reach the wastebasket, so he urinated all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaped with joy, realizing he had just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moaned and put his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asked.

“Not really,” the attorney said. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here, pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

THE AMAZING PIG

Submitted by Eleana Quintin 

A salesman stopped mid-spiel when he noticed the farmer’s three-legged pig.

“What happened to that pig?” he asked.

The farmer said, “That pig saved my whole family’s life. Our house caught fire, and that pig broke down the door, pushed the baby’s crib into the yard and woke up the rest of us in time to escape.”

“That still doesn’t explain why it only has three legs,” the salesman said.

The farmer shrugged. “You wouldn’t butcher an amazing pig like that all at once!”

TWO DRIVERS

Submitted by Katey Morris

Two drivers were being interviewed for their commercial driver’s licenses.

The tester asked, “What would you do if you were coming down a long hill with a narrow bridge at the bottom, and there was another truck coming down the hill on the other side?”

One driver said, “The first thing I’d do is wake up Leroy. He ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have!”

COLORADO COWBOY

Submitted by Zeke Heyman

A Colorado cowboy walked into a local bar, ordered three mugs of Coors and sat in the back of the room, taking a sip from each one in turn. When he finished, he returned to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender said, “You know, beer goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you ordered one at a time.”

The cowboy replied, “I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Ireland, and I’m here in Colorado. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we could drink together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender thought it was a nice tradition and left it at that. The cowboy became a regular, always ordering three mugs and drinking them the same way.

One day, he came in and ordered only two mugs. The regulars noticed and fell silent. When he returned to the bar for a second round, the bartender said, “I don’t mean to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences.”

The cowboy looked puzzled for a moment, then laughed.

“Oh no, everybody’s fine,” he said. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the local church, and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers, though.”

YOU GOTTA BE DREAMIN’

Submitted by Donna Christensen

After waking up one morning, a woman told her husband, “I dreamed last night that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he replied.

That evening, her husband handed her a package. Delighted, she opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

IT’S WHAT WE EAT

Submitted by Dana Reuben

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.