BAD RAINBOW

Submitted by Ward Luthi

Where do rainbows go when they’ve been bad?

They go to prism.

Why prism?

Because it gives them time to reflect.

And if the judge is feeling merciful, they might even get a light sentence.

WHO SHOT THE BUCK?

Submitted by Rev. Wayne Steury

Three men were out hunting—a doctor, a lawyer and a preacher. Off in the distance, they spotted a big buck. All three raised their rifles and fired at the same time. The deer dropped instantly.

When they walked over, they found just one bullet hole in the buck’s head.

The doctor said, “It had to be my shot. I’ve performed enough surgeries to know anatomy.”

The lawyer said, “No way. I’ve argued enough cases to know when the evidence is on my side.”

The preacher looked at the deer but said nothing.

Just then, a game warden came by. The three hunters asked him to settle it.

He examined the buck and said, “The preacher shot it.”

“How can you tell?” they asked.

The warden said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

STRENGTHENING EXERCISE FOR SENIORS

Submitted by Lana Pitts

Do this exercise three days a week.

Start by standing on a comfortable surface with plenty of room on either side of you.

Hold a 5-pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to make it to a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you’ll notice you can hold the position a little longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then 50-pound sacks. Eventually, work your way up to 100-pound potato sacks in each hand, holding your arms straight out for more than a minute.

Once you can do that comfortably, put a potato in each sack.

SENSITIVE STUFF

Submitted by Tony Wilkerson

Steve, Bruce and Jed were working on a phone tower when Steve fell and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance drove away, Bruce said, “Someone ought to go tell his wife.”

Jed said, “I’ll do it. I’m pretty good with sensitive stuff.”

Two hours later, Jed came back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce said, “Where did you get that?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Jed said.

You told her Steve was dead and she gave you a case of beer?”

“Well, not exactly,” Jed replied. “When she answered the door, I said, ‘You must be Steve’s widow.’”

“She said, ‘No, I’m not.’”

“And I said, ‘Want to bet a case of Budweiser?’”

DEEP FINANCIAL TROUBLE

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A man tells his neighbor, “Last week my car was repossessed, my phone was disconnected and my water was cut off. I’m one missed electric bill payment away from being Amish.”

GETTING YOUR MONEY’S WORTH

Submitted by Al Carver

A man was about to step into the shower just as his wife was finishing hers when the doorbell rang.

She quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran downstairs.

At the door was Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she could say a word, Bob said, “I’ll give you $800 if you drop that towel.”

She thought about it for a moment, then dropped the towel.

After a few seconds, Bob handed her $800 and left.

The woman wrapped herself back up and went upstairs.

When she got to the bathroom, her husband asked, “Who was at the door?”

“Bob, the next-door neighbor,” she said.

“Great,” her husband replied. “Did he mention the $800 he owes me?”

YEARLY PHYSICAL

Submitted by Cynthia Bishop

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

“How much do you weigh?” the nurse asks.

“115,” the woman says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It reads 140.

“Your height?” the nurse asks.

“5-foot-8,” the woman replies.

The nurse measures her and finds she is actually 5-foot-5.

Then she takes the woman’s blood pressure and says, “Your blood pressure is very high.”

“Of course it’s high!” the woman shouts. “When I came in here, I was tall and slender. Now I’m short and fat.”

THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Submitted by Tammee Trent

Melanie, 5, asked her granny how old she was.

Granny said, “I’m so old, I don’t remember anymore.”

Melanie replied, “If you don’t remember, you should look in the back of your panties. Mine say 5 to 6.”

Brittany, 4, had an earache and wanted some pain medicine. She tried to get the lid off the bottle, but couldn’t.

Seeing her frustration, her mom explained that it was a childproof cap and she would have to open it.

With wide eyes, Brittany asked, “How does it know it’s me?”

Tammy, 4, was with her mother when they ran into an elderly woman her mom knew.

Tammy looked at her for a long moment, then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”  

RETIREES

Submitted by Stephanie Valencia

Q: What’s the biggest gripe among retirees?

A: There’s never enough time to get everything done.

Q: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?

A: Because the title comes with a discount.

Q: What counts as formal attire for retirees?

A: Tied shoes.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?

A: They’re the only ones who have the time.

Q: What do you call someone who loves work so much they refuse to retire?

A: Nuts.

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

A: Because they know the minute they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: What’s the best way to describe retirement?

A: A never-ending coffee break.

Q: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

A: If you skip class, nobody calls your parents.

Q: Why do retirees say they don’t miss work, but miss the people they worked with?

A: Because they’re too polite to tell the whole truth.