SENIOR PERKS

Submitted by Lela Guzman

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

“You appear quite elderly to be driving,” he said, after everything had settled down.

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.”

“You don’t need a driver’s license anymore?” he asked.

“That’s right!” she said. “The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him, ‘Yes,’ and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore.’ So I thanked him and left!”

USE BOTH HANDS

Submitted by ML Madsen

An elderly lady was standing at the railing on a cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I don't intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both of my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

THE DEBATE

Submitted by Tom Price

A first-grade teacher asked her class if anyone knew about whales. One little girl raised her hand and said that in Sunday School, she learned that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher said, “It’s impossible for a whale to swallow a human because the throat is too small.”

The little girl said, “But I learned it in Sunday school. It’s in the Bible.”

In an irritated voice, the teacher said, “I don’t care. A whale can’t swallow a person.”

The little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven, I’ll find Jonah and ask him.”

The teacher said, “What if he went to hell?”

The little girl quickly replied, “Then you ask him.”

GOT TWO BUCKS?

Submitted by Benny Maxwell 

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street and says, “Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” 

The well-dressed gentleman responds, “You’re not going to spend it on liquor are you?” 

“No, sir, I don’t drink,” retorts the bum. 

“You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?” asks the gentleman. 

“No way, I don’t gamble,” answers the bum. 

“You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?” asks the man. 

“Never,” says the bum, “I don’t play golf.” 

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. 

While they are heading for the man’s house, the bum’s curiosity gets the better of him. 

“Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?” 

“Probably,” says the man, “but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf.”

NOTHING WORKS

Submitted by Neil Norris

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned—couldn’t concentrate.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at a coffee shop, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

You got any ideas? I’m open for suggestions. Maybe you have something that works, because I don’t.

THE MEDICATION

Submitted by Doreen Myers

A distraught older lady phoned her doctor’s office and asked, “Is it true that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence. Then she replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? Because this prescription is marked ‘No refills.’”

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Submitted by Maria Fletcher

Plumber: ”We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a plumbing company in northeast Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip; call your plumber.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

On a butchers window: “Let me meat your needs.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary—we hear you coming.”

Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes: Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company:  “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

In a counselor’s office: “Growing old is mandatory; growing wise is optional.”