NOW YOU KNOW

Submitted by Nathan May

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen.

“Careful!” he said. “Careful! Put in more butter! Oh my! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! You need more butter. Where are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The salt!”

The wife stared at him.

“What in the world is wrong with you?” she said. “Do you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

LUNCH WHERE?

Submitted by Esther Garnet

During a map-reading lesson, the earth science teacher reviewed latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes. Then she asked the class:

“Meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude. Where is that?”

After a brief silence, a student said, “I guess you’ll be eating alone.”

THE END IS NEAR

Submitted by Dayne Schooley

A priest and a pastor stood by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: “The end is near. Turn around now—before it’s too late.”

A car sped past, the driver shouting, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

Moments later, from the curve ahead, they heard screeching tires and a splash.

The pastor turned to the priest. “Maybe the sign should just say ‘Bridge out.’” 

ENTRANCE STRATEGY

Submitted by Wayne Steury

A man collapsed and died as he left the doctor’s office. Nurses panicked.

“What do we do?” they asked.

“Turn him around,” the doctor said. “Let folks think he was just walking in.”

GRANDPARENTS MUST READ

Submitted by Salli Bass

During a Little League game, the coach pulled aside his 9-year-old player.

“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The boy nodded.

“Do you know we win or lose together?”

Nod.

“So, when the umpire calls an out, you shouldn’t argue, curse or call him names. Got it?”

Nod.

“And if I bench you so another kid can play, it’s bad sportsmanship to insult me, right?”

Nod.

“Great,” the coach said. “Now go explain that to your grandmother.”

REASONS TO SMILE

Submitted by Maya Collins

Every seven minutes someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can add five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight because your body and your fat are old friends.

Just when I get used to yesterday, today shows up.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. 

REDNECK ADVICE

Submitted by Waldo Thorton

Too drunk to drive? Walk to the nearest pizza shop, order a pie, then catch a ride home with the delivery driver.

CAMEL LOGIC

Submitted by Ward Luthie

What do you call a camel with no humps? 

Humphrey

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN

Submitted by Harlan Sorensen

• You start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. 
• Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn't breaking any laws. 
• You and your teeth don't sleep together. 
• Getting lucky means finding your car in the parking lot. 
• The twinkle in your eye turns out to be the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

NOT A MORNING PERSON

Submitted by Amee Falcon

My smartphone suggested a meditation app after hearing my daily alarms. Apparently snoozing eight times counts as high-stress living.

I asked the barista for something to wake me up. She showed me my bank balance after daily lattes.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

My bed and I love each other, but my alarm clock won’t let us be together.

I excel at sleeping. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I’m not saying I hate mornings, I’m just saying I’d rather be asleep when they happen.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

WHY MEN HAVE IT EASY

Submitted by Kristyna Forte

• Your last name never changes
• The garage is all yours
• Wedding plans handle themselves
• Chocolate is just a snack
• You can be president but never pregnant
• A white T-shirt works at a water park—with or without it
• Mechanics tell you the truth
• The world is your urinal
• Any gas-station restroom will do
• Righty-tighty lefty-loosey comes naturally
• Same job more pay
• Wrinkles add character
• Wedding dress $5,000; tux rental $100
• A well-timed belch is appreciated
• New shoes rarely hurt
• One mood fits all
• Phone calls wrap up in 30 seconds
• You know stuff about tanks
• Five-day trip, one suitcase
• Every jar opens for you
• Small gestures earn big points
• Forgotten invitation? Still friends
• Three-pack underwear costs $8.95
• Three pairs of shoes are plenty
• No strap malfunctions in public
• You can’t see wrinkles in your clothes
• Your face keeps its colors
• Same haircut for decades
• Shaving is optional