In the past year, my wife, Jan, and I have flown through airports in Denver, Salt Lake City, Toronto, New York City, Phoenix, Madrid, Lisbon, Calgary and Vancouver. Here is what I have learned about air travel: 

Passengers are told to arrive at the airport as early as possible so the airlines have as many hours as possible to arrange, delay or cancel your flight.

Once inside, passengers drag their luggage to a computer kiosk to print boarding passes and luggage tags. Then comes the meltdown: trying to make those luggage stickers—which resemble hanging fly strips—stick to the suitcase handles. My wife handles this step because I always get the sticky side stuck to my pants. I handle the husbandly duty of hoisting hernia-inducing suitcases onto the scale.

Of course, you can avoid these steps by packing only a carry-on bag and downloading an app to your phone so you can present your boarding pass electronically. But then comes the part no one can avoid: the airport hike.

Call me stupid, but I cannot resist the moving sidewalk. I tell myself it will save steps. This is when I can count on Jan to say, “Gary! Watch when you step off the moving sidewalk. Last time, you propelled yourself toward the Duty Free Shop!”

Exhausted, you finally arrive at the Hurry Up and Wait Gate and reach for your nitroglycerin spray.

The Hurry Up and Wait Gate has everything passengers need to kill time in the airport: plastic chairs, spotty Wi-Fi and mandatory very important passenger announcements made using obsolete war surplus microphones that do not work.

“Attention. Would the following passenger please report to the gate immediately: Passenger [ear-piercing microphone static]. Thank you.”

“Jan, did that sound like they called us?”

“Maybe, Gary, but it also sounded like ‘Wonderpus Photogenicus.’”

Conveniently near the gate are a variety of food options similar to what you would find in a mall food court, but at many times the price.

Last fall in Denver, I doled out $5 for one friggin’ banana.

“Attention. Would the following passenger please report to the gate immediately: Passenger [ear-piercing microphone static]. Thank you.”

“I swear it sounded like us, Jan. I wonder if there’s a problem.”

“Gary, you know you cannot trust your hearing. If I had to guess, it sounded like they are paging passenger Aardvarkinheat to come to the gate.”

At the Vancouver airport, I grabbed a coffee before we boarded. The clerk slid an empty paper cup toward me, told me to pour my own coffee and asked me to tap the machine. The total was $6.85, including a 20% tip. I gave myself the 20% tip for serving myself. 

Back at the Hurry Up and Wait Gate, it happened again.

“Attention. This is a very important announcement for all passengers on flight [prolonged ear-piercing microphone static]. We sincerely apologize. Thank you for understanding.”

“Jan, I couldn’t understand what they said.”

“Sorry, Gary. I couldn’t understand either. It was something about thanking us for understanding.”

That is it for this column.

Thank you for understanding. 

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