A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S GIFTS

Submitted by Ken McDowell

When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It doesn’t matter if he already has one. A man can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

If you can’t afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.

If you’re broke, buy him something for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper or a trinket for his rearview mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Don’t buy socks. Don’t buy ties. Never buy bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

If you have money, buy him a big-screen TV. Watch him go wild.

Men love label makers almost as much as drills. Within two weeks there will be labels on everything—socks, cups, doors, sinks. You get the idea.

Don’t buy anything with “some assembly required.”

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. If it’s from NAPA Auto, he’ll think it’s something he needs.

Men enjoy danger. That’s why they barbecue. Get him a monster grill with a leaky propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. He’ll love it.

Tickets to a Broncos, Avalanche or Rockies game are a smart gift. Tickets to a quilt exhibit are not.

It’s hard to beat a good wheelbarrow or an extension ladder. Never a step ladder. No one knows why.

Men love rope. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8-inch manila rope.

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

Submitted by Essie Horn

A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous.

A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn’t mind if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your truck.

It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A MAN

You can throw it out when it wears out.

You don’t have to put up with it all year.

You only have to water it once a week.

It always lights up your life.

It always smells nice.

CORPORATE LESSON

Submitted by Will Daniels

A clerk, a secretary and the manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique lamp. They rubbed it and a genie popped out.

“I’ll give each of you one wish,” said the genie.

“Me first!” said the clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat without a care in the world.” 

Poof! He was gone.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, endless piña coladas and the love of my life,” said the secretary.

Poof! She was gone.

“Your turn,” the genie said to the manager.

The manager said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

DRASTIC MEASURES

Submitted by Donna Meza

A man called his son before the holidays.

“I hate to tell you this, but your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore. We’re getting a divorce. I’m telling you now so you and your sister won’t be shocked when I move out.”

He hung up. The son immediately called his sister.

“I’ll handle this,” she said.

She called their father. “Don’t do anything until we get there. We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agreed, hung up and hollered to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas. What are we going to tell them next year?”

ALL NATURAL

Submitted by Ida St. Claire

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are pulling a weed and not a valuable plant is to tug on it. If it comes out easily, it’s a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

BEFORE THE SERMON

Submitted by Sheena Moore

A preacher’s 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.

“Well, honey,” he said proudly, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

She looked at him and asked, “Then how come He doesn’t do it?”

PILLS

Submitted by Bob Kirk

A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop goes to my heart so it won’t stop.

A little white one that I take goes to my hands so they won’t shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot tell me I’m happy when I’m not.

The purple pill goes to my brain and tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all, go to my blood so I won’t fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright, prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I’d really like to know is what tells each one where to go!

EFFECTIVE PET NAMES

Submitted by Mary Fran Evans

A burglar broke into a house one night. As he picked up a TV, a strange voice echoed from the dark: “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, froze, then heard nothing more.

Moments later, as he pulled the stereo loose, he heard it again: “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shone his flashlight around and found a parrot in the corner.

“Did you say that?” he hissed.

“Yep,” the parrot squawked. “I’m trying to warn you.”

“Warn me, huh? Who are you?”

“Moses,” the parrot replied.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people name a parrot Moses?”

“The same kind that name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”

GRANDPA’S BLESSING

Submitted by Kris Boyer

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray on holidays when he usually said long blessings over the food. One night after a fishing trip, Grandpa surprised him by offering a very short prayer. 

    With a grin, our son said, “You don’t pray so long when you’re hungry, do you Grandpa?”