10 MOM JOKES

Submitted by Elaine Murphy

1. Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a gown and end up scrubbing floors.
2. Raising a teenager helps you understand why some animals eat their young.
3. There’s nothing quite like being told I’m wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing and shelter.
4. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
5. “That’s it. I’m selling my kid on eBay.”
   “Don’t be silly! You made him. Sell him on Etsy.”
6. I asked to switch seats on the plane because I was next to a crying baby. Apparently, that doesn’t work if the baby is yours.
7. “It’s spicy” is universal Mom Code for “I don’t want to share.”
8. Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold.
9. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.
10. Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day? Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.

THE LOGICAL APPROACH

Submitted by Paul Jenkins

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are shipwrecked on a desert island. They find a whole case of canned food—but no can opener!

The engineer says, “Let’s gather flexible branches from palm trees, lash a sharp rock to a stick and use it like an axe to open the cans.”

The physicist says, “We can build a fire from driftwood, heat the cans until they explode and eat the food that flies out.”

The mathematician says, “Assume we have a can opener.”

OLD MAID

Submitted by Jamie Lee

Two women are sitting in a bar, getting tipsy and a little snippy.

One woman says, “You’ve gained weight since you got married. Letting yourself go?”

The other replies, “Well, at least I got married. You’re still an old maid living with your mommy and daddy.”

The first woman says, “I’ll have you know there’s a man begging me to get married.”

“Yeah,” the second woman says. “It’s your father.”

BREAD PUNS FOR MOM

Submitted by Carllee Leighton

How do you feel about bread puns?

• If they’re your jam, I’ll rise to the occasion.

Need more?

• Donut worry—we’re not done yet, not in the yeast.
• You’ll bagel me to stop before I run out.
• Racking my brain has left me baked—I butter go and let it heel.
• I’d tell you more, but I have naan to spare.
• And it’s getting late—must be a croissant moon tonight.
• Hope these crack you up.
• But really, I’m running short on bread puns now. Time to loaf.
  
  

SENIOR SHORTIES

Submitted by Connie Walker

• One nice thing about being forgetful is that you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. 
• Frequent naps prevent old age—especially when taken while driving.
• What is a prize old people can win for aging? Atrophy.
• What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior? Cremation.
• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.
• Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
• I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.
• An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”
• Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them? In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”
  
  

CUTE KIDS

Submitted by Harriet Kyle 

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 

“What’s it about?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

THE FAR CORNERS

Submitted by Harold Kimble

God promised men that good, obedient wives could be found in every corner of the world.

Then he made the world round—and laughed and laughed.

NEW SKIN

Submitted by Donna Delgado

A married couple was in a car
accident that left the husband’s face badly burned. The doctor said he was too thin for a skin graft, so his wife offered to donate some of her own.

The only suitable skin came from her buttocks. Because of the sensitive nature of the procedure, they agreed never to tell anyone.

After surgery, the man looked better than ever, and people couldn’t stop complimenting him—especially his mother.

Overcome with gratitude, he asked his wife, “How can I ever thank you for this?”

His wife smiled and said, “I get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

MORNING COFFEE

Submitted by Tom Roth

A grandma woke up to find her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee. She smiled and sipped it down, even though it was awful.

At the bottom of the cup were three little green Army men.

“Honey,” she asked, “why are there soldiers in my coffee?”

He grinned and said, “Because the TV says, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”

SIMPLE MATH

Submitted by Brenda Cartman

Johnny’s math teacher called on him to solve a problem during class.

“If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many will you have?” the teacher asked.

“Seven,” Johnny replied.

“No,” the teacher said. “Listen carefully. If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many will you have?”

“Seven,” Johnny repeated.

“Let me give it to you differently,” the teacher said. “If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

“Six,” Johnny six. 

“Good,” the teacher smiled. “Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many will you have?”

“Seven.”

“Johnny! Where are you getting seven?” the teacher said, raising his voice.

“Because I already have a cat!”