THE PERFECT TREE

Submitted by Sean Marley

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of freezing temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

’TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

Submitted by Leslie Saul

’Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons covered the floor, while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the curtains and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a little white truck with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; the patch on his jacket said “U.S. Postman.”
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox, then quickly stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, they came and they came. Whistling and shouting, he called them by name: “Now Target, now Walmart, now Pennys and Lowe’s, here’s Home Depot and Dillard’s and don’t forget Kohl’s!
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, charge away, charge away, charge away all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and drove down the road, moving much faster with half a load.
And I heard him exclaim with holiday cheer, “Enjoy what you got. You’ll be paying all year!”

ANOTHER ’TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

Submitted by Leo Franz

’Twas the day after Christmas, and into the box went catalogs featuring rum balls and socks,
Fruitcakes and flashlights, medicines and such, jewelry and pillows for an elegant touch.
As I loaded that box with holiday clutter, I said to myself with a sigh and a mutter,
“If only it were as easy to make all these pounds vanish. All the food that I love must now be banished.
“So away with the last of the sour cream dip, away with the crackers, the cheese and the chips.
Toss out the cookies, the cakes and the pies; let nothing remain to tempt my eyes.”
Now I’m so hungry and life is a chore. Perhaps that’s what January is for—
No festive snacking, no house full of cheer.
Happy Boxing Day to all, and to all a good year!

SHORT JOKES

Submitted by Robert F. Lewis

What did Santa say after he delivered all the gifts?
“Sleighed it.”

You’ve heard of “making it rain”? Well, I do bachelorette parties at the senior center. Although there’s not a lot of cash on hand, there’s plenty of coin purses, and I call that, “making it hail!”

I’m starting a new social media app for unscrupulous people called Two Face Book.

The person who invented emojis? They’re the emoji OG.

I’m so old that when I used to watch the show “This Old House,” it was just called “This House.”

It’s getting late and a farmer’s wife is getting worried when he hasn’t returned from his session with their marriage counselor. She notices a dim light coming from the barn and goes to check it out. Peeking through a crack in the doors, she sees him in a satin robe, candles and wine arranged around the tractor he’s caressing. Shocked, she bursts in. “What on earth are you doing?” she asks. Startled, he spins around and says, “The therapist told me to do something sexy to attract her!”

And finally, I think congratulations are in order—I’ve quit cold turkey! (Though I still eat warm turkey, of course.) 

CHRISTMAS STAMPS

Submitted by Mac Lujan

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She asks the clerk, “May I have 70 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk replies, “What denomination?”

The woman responds, “Lord help us! Has it come to this? Give me nine Catholic, 12 Episcopalian, eight Methodist, nine Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist.”

SOMETIMES I WONDER…

Submitted by E. Powers

Since I lost all my hair, who found it?

If I fall down with no one around, do I make a sound?

If we’ll soon be riding in cars that can park themselves, who pays the insurance?

If everyone’s child is above average, who’s causing all the trouble?

Did garage doors get narrower or have my car’s mirrors gotten wider?

If I’m forced to use the self-checkout lane, am I working for the store? Shouldn’t I get a paycheck?

If a dealer wants his name plastered on my car, should I charge for the advertising?

If I could ever figure out what they’re selling on TV, I might buy it—as long as the pretty pitch girl is included.

Everybody likes rodeo clowns. You’d think there’d be more clowns than politicians. Or maybe there are.

THE GREAT HOSPITAL ESCAPE

Submitted by Melody Armstrong

Hi Sis, I managed to break out. I thought hospitals were supposed to heal you, not torture you. They kept me up all night with nonstop poking and that medieval arm-squeezing device they think is “just taking blood pressure.” They even extracted a lot of my blood and urine. 

They put this long piece of metal in my mouth, waiting for it to beep back like some kind of sonar. And they kept sending in new people to “verify” who I was, asking my name and DOB like I’d crack under pressure and admit I’m actually someone else. But I fooled them. I studied the same info all day long. I even wrote it in three different places on my body where they could see it. 

I’ve gone into hiding and need to keep moving so they can’t find me. Delete this message and destroy the chip on your cell phone. They must not know I made contact. If they track you down and you have to give up my location, I will deny that I know you at all.  Don’t try to have an unknown relative call me. They know who you are by DNA. Stay out of hospitals for reasons stated above. 

With love, Michael

A LITTLE OFFBEAT

Submitted by Terrence Ivanhoe

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and got a toaster.