STORIES FROM THE BUTTER- BALL TURKEY HOTLINE

Submitted by Keri Shipley

Thanksgiving dinner on the run: A woman called to ask how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer, the home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

Tofu turkey? A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

Bigger turkey: A woman was picking through frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

YOU BURNT THE BIRD?

Submitted by Alma Lewandowski

Here’s the silver lining to this burning question and a dozen reasons to be thankful!

• Salmonella won’t be a concern.
• No one will overeat.
• Everyone will think it’s Cajun blackened.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
• Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
• After dinner, the guys can take the bird outside and play football.
• The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he’ll walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
• You’ll get to the desserts quicker.
• You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

MILITARY JOKES

Submitted by Gabe Abrams

Why does the military plant trees every year? To grow the infant-tree.

What’s the easiest way to get to be a five-star general? Great reviews on Yelp.

What do you call a shipment full of military-issued T-Rexes? Small arms.

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time? To see 20:20.

Why didn’t the officer respond when asked how he got his start in the military? It was private.

What do you call a soldier who loves to hang out? Company commander.

When is the only time to use trench warfare? As a last-ditch effort.

What form is required for all members of the military? A uniform.

QUASIMODO TAKES A VACATION

Submitted by Karl Knebl

Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, asks his boss for some time off. His boss agrees, on the condition that Quasimodo finds someone to ring the church bells in his absence. 

After searching far and wide, Quasimodo returns with a man who has no arms. His boss, puzzled, asks, “How can this man possibly ring the bells?”

“Watch,” says Quasimodo.

The man takes a few steps back, runs full speed toward a bell, and smacks it with his face. “Boooiiing!”

“Amazing!” says his boss. “Can you show me again?”

The armless man takes another run at the bell, but this time he misses, plummeting through the window to the street below. A crowd gathers, and soon a gendarme arrives. Quasimodo and his superior rush outside.

“Does anyone know who this man is?” the gendarme asks.

Quasimodo’s superior replies, “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell.”

FRACTURED DEFINITIONS

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

• Tricycle: A tot rod
• Poodles: What you step in after it rains cats & dogs
• Snoring: Sound sleeping
• Suit of armor: A knight gown
• Sunburn: Getting more than you basked for
• Stars & Stripes: The decoration of Independence
• Square dance: A prom for people over 50
• Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye

LAST MAN ON EARTH

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

I really wouldn’t mind being the last man on Earth just so I could find out if all those women were telling me the truth.

LIFE THOUGHTS

Submitted by Stacey Splude

How come we only get two people to run for president, but over 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothes. If I had any loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

When I was young, we used to go skinny dipping. Now I just go chunky dunking.

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching might not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it? Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever.

OLD GOATS

Submitted by Herald Gosley

A group of Americans were traveling on a tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of making cheese with goat’s milk. The guide showed the tourists the pasture of goats that were too old to produce milk. The guide asked the tourists, “What do you do with your old goats in America?”

A spry man piped up and said, “They send us on bus tours.”

CROSS-EYED DOGS

Submitted by Mary Winters

A man takes his dog to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?” the man asked the veterinarian.

“Let’s take a look at him,” the vet said.

He picks up the dog, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?” the dog’s owner exclaimed. “Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No,” the vet said, “because he’s really heavy.”

TRICK TO WEIGHT LOSS

Submitted by Joelle Davis

Mr. Johnson was overweight so his doctor put him on a diet. 

He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped nearly 20 pounds.

“That’s amazing!” the doctor said. “You did this just by following my instructions?”

The slimmed-down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean,” the doctor said.

“No,” Mr. Johnson replied, “from skipping.”