Good ol’ days

Submitted by Jane Slepitis

I remember the good ol’ days when you lost a tooth and you got a quarter from the Tooth Fairy and you felt rich. Now you lose a tooth because the dentist took it and you gotta pay him—even if he gives it back to you!

Anonymous Baker

Submitted by Bruce Barday

A man working at a bakery wanted to remain anonymous. The other workers called him “John Dough.”

Blond man jokes

Submitted by Bill Davis

A friend tells a blond man, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

The blond man replies, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Two blond men find three grenades and decide to take them to a police station.

One asks, “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other replies, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A woman calls her blond neighbor and says, “Close your curtains next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching yesterday.”

The blond man replies, “Well, the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”

Outdoor woman

Submitted by Patricia Stevens

During her physical, a doctor asks a retired woman about her physical activity level. She says she spends three days a week outdoors.

“Yesterday was typical,” she says. “I took a five-hour walk through rough terrain, waded along a lake, pushed through brambles, got sand in my shoes and barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed hills, went to the bathroom behind trees, ran from an irate bear and drank scotch and three glasses of wine to recover.”

Amazed, the doctor says, “Wow, you are one heck of an outdoor woman.”

“No,” the woman replies, “I’m just a really bad golfer.”

Creation of the Midwest

Submitted by Tom Richards

On the sixth day, God tells the archangel Gabriel, “Today, I’m going to create the Midwest. It will be a land of natural beauty with hills, plains, lakes, forests and fertile soil. The people here will be known as the friendliest on Earth.”

“But Lord,” Gabriel says, “aren’t you being too generous to the Midwesterners?”

“Not really,” God replies. “Just wait and see the winters I’m going to give them.”

Community picnic

Submitted by John Anderson

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest meet at the town’s annual Fourth of July picnic.

“This baked ham is delicious. You ought to try it,” the priest teases the rabbi.

“I know it’s against your religion but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. When are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi grins and says, “At your wedding.”

The cost of kisses

Submitted by Linda Miller

A pretty teenage girl spots some nice fabric for a dress at a store. She asks the young male clerk how much it costs.

“Only one kiss per yard,” the clerk says with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” the girl says. “I’ll take 10 yards.”

Filled with excitement, the clerk quickly measures the cloth, wraps it up and teasingly holds it out. The girl takes the bag and points to the old woman standing behind her.

She smiles and says, “Grandma will pay.”

Mystic English

Submitted by Emily Clarke

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Kids think fast

Submitted by Laura Collins

Teacher: Why are you late?

Joe: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Joe: The one that says, “School ahead, go slow.”

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher: John, how do you spell crocodile?

John: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L

Teacher: No, that’s wrong.

John: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Sarah: H I J K L M N O!!

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Sarah: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.

George: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: George!

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

Tommy: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

Ellen: I is...

Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”

Ellen: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Johnny: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

Desmond: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Pupil: A teacher.

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?

Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?

Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

Learning to drink

Submitted by Michael O’Connor

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories flooded back to when I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub, only two blocks from our house. I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny’s. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp lager. He didn’t. So I drank it. I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better, so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest. He wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it? By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push his stroller home.