Over the years, I’ve written several articles offering tips on how to use technology to research health issues, track your health, use your smartphone as a journal and communicate with family during difficult times. I’ve also been open about my struggles with occasional bouts of depression and grief.

A year ago, I made the mistake of letting my anxieties get the best of me and I completely botched an incredible friendship. Since childhood, nothing has been more important to me than human connection, so losing friends who I felt safe being myself around triggered a mental health episode, which forced me to confront over 40 years of difficulties navigating relationships. 

While I’d spoken to therapists and taken medication in the past, I never truly faced the underlying grief, trauma and attachment issues that had compounded my anxieties and amplified my so-called “weirdness.” After months—possibly years—of struggling emotionally and mentally, my brain finally broke. I realized I no longer had the discipline or focus to do my job. My wife stepped in, and I took two months of mental health leave to focus on fixing my brain.

This is the first column I’ve written with a clear mind since September 2023, right before my falling out with those friends. This month, I’m reflecting on how technology both helped and hindered my recovery—and how I continue to use it to manage the pessimistic, intrusive bullies in my mind.

TECH IS A TOOL

I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m not truly a tech geek at heart. I’m an awkward, but happy people-person with an aptitude for technology. In my mid-20s, I discovered that I could make friends by helping them with their tech issues.

The best part of technology for me is finding ways to use it as a tool for creativity and efficiency, allowing me to explore my true interests and passions.

Before my mental health episode, I hardly ever journaled. I had stopped working on personal projects and was spending most of my spare time researching my interests online. Looking back, it’s clear that the biggest culprit in my mental and emotional breakdown was how I was using social media.

Offline, I tend to get very attached to people I can be myself around. When I feel that safety, the little editor in my head that keeps my exuberance in check goes on vacation, causing my behavior to shift into the realm of weirdness. Unfortunately, this shift has caused many close friends to distance themselves, and my fear of abandonment only amplifies my behavior.

Before my episode, I used social media for humor and creativity. But when my emotions shifted and I no longer felt safe, my social media feed mirrored those feelings and went in the same scary direction. Feeling abandoned and self-conscious, I began posting about my feelings. In return, my feeds filled with quotes, videos and messages that confirmed my pessimistic outlook. It became a vicious cycle.

When I felt betrayed, I saw posts about how true friends will never have true friends. When I felt like a failure, my feed was filled with posts about how unfair life is for good people.

The worst was when I was desperate for a friend to lean on and I’d get bombarded with quotes about how true friends never leave, as if finding a loyal friend was as simple as picking a new show to binge or finding new music to listen to.

Eventually, I realized my social media use had become toxic. Ironically, every time I deleted the apps or suspended my accounts for a few days, my emotions began to stabilize. During those times. I started to notice how many people cared about me offline. My negative posts prompted texts, phone calls, spontaneous visits and invitations to lunch.

HEALING OFFLINE

Gradually, I replaced social media with journaling, corresponding with friends offline, going to concerts, experimenting with open-mic standup comedy and karaoke and creating tangible things with my hands. Those two months I took off from work to focus on healing were the hardest and most intense work I’ve ever done—far more challenging than anything I’ve done for a paycheck.

Now that I’m on the other side of the breakdown, I’ve rediscovered the value of technology as a tool. I haven’t abandoned social media or my devices, but there are days when I don’t open the apps at all. Nowadays, I spend at least as much time talking on the phone or in person as I do texting.

One of the best lessons I’ve learned is that almost everyone will accept a lunch invitation, and those face-to-face conversations trigger dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. Unlike doomscrolling on social media, connecting over a meal leads to meaningful friendships. Plus, the meal tends to wrap up before I have the chance to unintentionally say or do anything off-putting.