BLOND MAN JOKES

Submitted by Jim Erickson

A blond man is found hanging by his feet in his jail cell. When the guard asks what he’s doing, the man replies, “Hanging myself.” The guard retorts, “The rope should be around your neck!” The blond man says, “I tried that, but I couldn’t breathe.”

An Italian tourist asks a blond man why scuba divers always fall backward off their boats. The blond man replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

GRANDMA’S LITTLE BOY 

Submitted by Lizzie Sartini

During a thunderstorm, a little boy asks his grandma if she will sleep with him because he’s scared. 

The grandmother replies, “I can’t, dear, I have to sleep in your granddaddy’s room.” 

After a long pause, the little boy calls out, “That big sissy.”

HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”

Submitted by Kylee Bach

• English: I Love You

• Spanish: Te Amo

• French: Je T’aime

• German: Ich Liebe Dich

• Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

• Italian: Ti Amo

• Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

• Swedish: Jag Älskar Dig

• Colorado: “Nice truck.

    Wanna ride?”

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MOM

Submitted by Jeri Oliver

While driving her daughter to a sleepover, a mother finds herself fielding a barrage of personal questions from the curious little girl.

“Mommy, how old are you?” the daughter asks.

“Honey, it’s not polite to ask a lady her age,” the mother gently chides.

The little girl then asks, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now, those are personal questions, and really none of your business,” the mother responds.

Not easily dissuaded, the girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions,” the mother declares.

As they arrive and the daughter joins her friend, she says, “My mom wouldn’t tell me anything.”

Her friend advises her, “Just look at her driver’s license—it’s like a report card, it has everything.”

That evening, the little girl confronts her mother. 

“I know how old you are. You’re 32,” she says.

Surprised, the mother asks, “How did you find that out?”

“And I know you weigh 140 pounds,” the daughter continues.

Astonished, the mother asks, “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

With a triumphant grin, the little girl adds, “And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh, really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

A POLISH DIVORCE

Submitted by Gerald Knight

One day, a Polish man urgently entered a lawyer’s office requesting a quick divorce.

The lawyer asked, “Do you have any grounds?”

The man replied, “Yes, an acre and a half, and a nice 3-bedroom house.”

“No, I mean what is the basis for the divorce?” the lawyer clarified.

“It’s made of concrete, bricks and mortar,” the man answered.

Frustrated, the lawyer tried a different approach, “Is there any grudge between you two?”

“No, we just have a carport, don’t need a garage,” the man responded.

The lawyer sighed, “I mean, how are your relations with each other?”

“All my relations live in Poland,” said the man.

The lawyer attempted again, “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, we have a hi-fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound,” the man proudly stated.

“No, I mean, does your wife beat you up?” the lawyer pressed.

“No, I always wake up before her,” the man replied.

Exasperated, the lawyer finally asked, “So why exactly do you want a divorce?”

“She’s going to kill me!” the man exclaimed. “I have proof!”

“What kind of proof?” asked the lawyer.

“She’s planning to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore, and I read the label. It said ‘Polish Remover.’”

SHORT JOKES

Submitted by Hap Jordan

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

To cover their butt quacks.

How does a vampire start a letter?

“Tomb it may concern …”

How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes a while—the light bulb really has to want to change.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing—it just let out a little wine.

What do you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? 

One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 

Why can’t you trust atoms?

They make up everything.

What do rich people say when they tickle babies?

“Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!”

Yesterday, I couldn’t figure out if someone was waving at me or the person behind me. On a related note, I’m no longer a lifeguard.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion...and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

A woman goes to the dentist, and he says, “You need a root canal.”

She replies, “I’d rather have another baby.”

The dentist responds, “Make up your mind—I need to adjust the chair.”

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed. The chicken rolls over, lights a cigarette, and says, “Well, that answers that question.”

A man goes to the doctor, who tells him, “I have bad news and worse news.”

The man asks, “What’s the bad news?”

The doctor replies, “You have 24 hours to live.”

The man exclaims, “That’s awful! What could be worse than that?”

The doctor says, “I should have told you yesterday.”

A guy walks into the doctor’s office, completely naked but wrapped in cellophane. The doctor takes one look and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

My three favorite things: eating my family and not using commas.