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BEACON Senior News

Laughing Matters: November's rib-tickling jokes

Football season

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A baby bronco is called to the witness stand because his parents have been accused of child abuse. 

The judge asks the baby bronco, “Do you want to live with Papa Bronco?”

“No, because he beats me,” says the young horse.

“Do you want to live with Mama Bronco?” the judge asks. 

“No, because she beats me too,” replies the baby bronco.

“Well, who do you want to live with then?” the judge asks.

The young horse replies, “I want to live with the Denver Broncos because they never beat anybody.”

Kiddy heaven

Submitted by Elaine Day

I volunteer at my church leading Sunday School. One day, I asked my students:

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” 

“No!” the children all answered. 

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?” 

Again, the answer was, “No!” 

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into heaven?” 

A 5-year-old boy shouted, “You gotta be dead!”

Substitute drug

Submitted by Abel Hall

A pharmacist shows up to work one morning to find a guy holding onto an endcap looking to be in pretty rough shape. Just then, the stock boy rounds the corner and the pharmacist asks him what’s going on. 

The stock boy says the man came in for cough medicine, but he didn’t know where the cough medicine was, so he gave him a laxative. 

“You can’t give a laxative for a cough—that won’t work!” the pharmacist cries out.

“Sure it does,” says the boy. “Look at him. He won’t cough.”

Inner strength

Submitted by Ann Houston

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things, then you are probably the family dog.

Bumper sticker

Submitted by Ginger Roberson

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice the light had changed. It’s a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he didn’t honk, I never would’ve noticed. 

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed: “For the love of God! Go! Jesus Christ…GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from the coast back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this spiritual experience!

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! 

Difficult to say when drunk

Submitted by Tomas Harmon 

Difficult to say:

• Indubitably 

• Innovative 

• Preliminary 

• Proliferation 

• Cinnamon 

Very difficult to say:

• Specificity 

• British constitution 

• Passive aggressive disorder 

• Loquacious transubstantiate 

Downright impossible to say:

• Nope, no more booze for me.

• Sorry, but you’re not really my type 

• Good evening, officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?

• Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing. 

Tips for Ladies

Submitted by Lionel Vega

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days. 

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

And, whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

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