A week with no wife

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A man left for work one Friday afternoon and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend and went hunting with his pals. 

When he finally arrived home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife.

After yelling at him for some time, she stopped the nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday came and went and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

I’m free!

Submitted by Jeanne Arnett

A prisoner had just escaped captivity by digging through a tunnel. He wasn’t sure where he was going to end up, so when he had the opportunity to poke his head above ground, he saw he was at a children’s playground.

He climbed up through the tunnel and shouted loudly, “I’m free! I’m free!”

A little girl came running over to him and raised her hands. “I’m four! I’m four!” she shouted. 

Furniture disease

Submitted by John Pope

A young boy asks his grandfather why his tummy is so huge. He tells the youngster, “I have furniture disease.” 

The youngster says, “What is furniture disease?” 

His grandfather replies, “That’s when your chest falls down into your drawers.”

Four husbands at 80

Submitted by M.L. Madsen

An 80-year-old lady was getting married for the fourth time. The local newspaper asked if she wouldn’t mind talking about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, “My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher, and now in my 80s, a funeral director.”

When asked why the four men had such diverse careers, she explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

I like puns

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A famous general dies. He’s given a grand funeral with full military honors. Afterward, he is cremated and his ashes are to be flown to West Point for burial. However, all the planes are fully booked. Eventually, they find a helicopter to fly his remains. The headline in the newspaper reads: The whirly bird gets the urn.

A little person who regularly attends Oktoberfest is on his deathbed. The doctor asks him, “If you could have one last wish, what would it be?”

The little man replies, “I’d like a short bier.”

Q. Three men are in a boat out on a lake fishing. They have four cigarettes but forgot the matches. How can they light the cigarettes?

A. They throw one cigarette overboard, thus making the boat a cigarette lighter.

Doctor: I can’t do anything about your condition. It’s hereditary.

Patient: In that case, send the bill to my parents.

Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

Good pets

Submitted by Randal Hill

God was sitting on his throne, and a dog and a cat were at his feet.

God asked the dog if he had been a good pet during his time on Earth. 

“Absolutely,” the dog replied. “I was loyal, friendly, obedient and was a trusted and beloved companion to the family at all times.”

“Excellent,” said God. He then asked the cat, “Were you a good pet during your time on Earth?”

To which the cat replied, “You’re sitting in my chair.”

New hearing aid

Submitted by Bradford Huff

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen ato the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

How you earned it

Submitted by Shawna Mitchell

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents. The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 p.m. for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37…”

 “Then my wife’s father died and left us $2 million.”

Jokes for all ages

Submitted by Doris Joseph

If sea gulls are called seagulls, then what are they called when they fly over a bay? A bagel?

A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says, “No charge for you.”

Jesus is watching

Submitted by Amos Gonzales

A cat burglar is going about his business burgling a house. He stops every so often when he hears a voice saying: “Jesus is watching you. Jesus will get you.” 

He moves to another room and hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching you. Jesus will get you.” 

He turns on the light and sees a parrot in the corner of the room. 

“Is that you saying ‘Jesus is watching you, Jesus will get you?’” 

The parrot replies, “Yes, of course.” 

The burglar says, “What’s your name?” 

The parrot replies, “Clarence.” 

The burglar bursts out laughing and says, “Clarence? What kind of person gives a bird a stupid name like Clarence?” 

And the bird replies, “The same person that named that rottweiler over there Jesus!” 

Halloween jokes

Submitted by Larry Brady

Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.

Why didn’t the scarecrow eat dinner? He was already stuffed.

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.

Why did the ghost walk into a bar? For the boos.