Laughing Matters - September 2023
Elvis has left the building
Submitted by Kathryn Hermanstorfer
In August 1977, I was a church secretary. One day the minister came to my office and said that his 9-year-old son had been watching television the evening before and broke the news to him that Elvis Presley had died.
His father asked him what Elvis had died of, and as the text scrolled across the bottom of the screen that read “Elvis dead at 42,” his son said, “I don’t know. Old age I guess.”
Let the master work
Submitted by Randal Hill
A teacher walked around her kindergarten classroom, looking at the artwork the students were creating. She stopped by one girl’s desk and asked, “What’s that you’re painting?”
“God,” said the girl. “I’m making a painting of God.”
The teacher smiled. “That’s nice,” she said, “but nobody knows what God really looks like.”
The girl, keeping at her task, said, “They will in a minute.”
Wedding Checklist
Submitted by Ben Kuckel
Jacob and Miriam are two seniors who met at a Florida retirement home and fell in love.
One day they go for a stroll to discuss their wedding, and stop by a drugstore on the way.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The man answers, “Yes.”
“We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course we do.”
“How about medicine for circulation?”
“All kinds.”
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“Definitely.”
“How about suppositories?”
“You bet.”
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
“Yes, a large variety.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, or medicines to help with Parkinson’s disease?”
“Absolutely.”
“Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
“We sure do.”
“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Adult diapers?”
“Sure. How can I help you?” the drug store owner asks.
Jacob replies, “We’d like to use this store for our bridal registry.”
Word play
Submitted by Rhonda Wray
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Is it one... or two? One...or two?
It’s never safe to drop wordplay around a kleptomaniac because they’re always taking things literally.
A priest, an Imam and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, “I think I’m a Type-O.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton and the other is a little lighter.
New Meanings
Submitted by Shari Wells
The newspaper published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Only the Truth
Submitted by Victoria Lamb
While reading the newspaper, a husband came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held argument that women in general, and his wife in particular, talk too much, he showed her the study results, which stated, “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.”
His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”
Super Bowl Tickets
Submitted by Larry Ball
Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium—he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob says to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”
Thoughts on time
Submitted by Sue Glover
A guy said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?” God said yes.
The guy said, “God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?” God said yes.
The guy said, “God, can I have a penny?”
God said, “Sure, just a second.”
