Laughing Matters - July 2023
Submitted by Betsy Blake
A seemingly nice and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big.
“I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!” he exclaimed. “That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! Absolutely not! I will not give you any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Life begins at 80
Submitted by Maryann Ramirez
I have good news for you. The first 80 years are the hardest. After that, it’s just a succession of birthday parties.
Once you reach 80 everyone wants to carry your baggage and help you up the steps. If you forget your name or anybody else’s name, an appointment, your telephone number or promise to be three places at the same time or you can’t remember how many grandchildren you have, you need only explain that you are 80.
Being 80 is a lot better than being 70. At 70, people are mad at you for everything. At 80 you have a perfect excuse no matter what you do.
If you act foolishly, it’s your second childhood. Everybody is looking for symptoms of softening of the brain.
At 70, they expect you to retire to a house in Florida and complain about your arthritis. You ask everybody to stop mumbling because you can’t understand them.
If you survive until you’re 80, everybody is surprised that you are still alive. They treat you with respect just for having lived so long. Actually, they seem surprised that you can walk and talk sensibly.
So please, folks, try to make it to 80.
It’s the best time of your life. People forgive you for anything.
Exercise tips for people over 50
Submitted by Karen Jones
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Submitted by Will Sanborn
Men say that women should come with instructions, but then what’s the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?
Submitted by Debra Mann
The doctor answered the phone one evening and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the colleague.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
Woman’s best friend
Submitted by Shari Lindsey
A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
No wait. Sorry...I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that.
Thoughts for today
Submitted by Faye Baker
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s yappy dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice the Roman numerals for 40 are XL?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice when you put the two words “the” and “IRS” together it spells “theirs”?
All creatures great & small
Submitted by Kathryn Hermanstorfer
In the 1980s I worked in a college library. One day a student came in saying he wanted a book to read that wasn’t related to his classwork.
I led him to the shelf and said, “‘The All Creatures Great and Small’ books are popular right now.”
He must have misunderstood me because he replied, ‘Oh no Ma’am, my daddy is a preacher and I’ve had about all of that I can stand.”
Submitted by Jim Conklin
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. As the bartender hands him his rum, he looks down and notices a giant steering wheel jutting out of the pirate’s pants!
The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir. Do you know you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?”
The pirate replies, “Argghhhh! I know, and it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
MAKE US LAUGH
Send you best jokes to [email protected]