Some rest and peace (a true story)

Submitted by Frankie Roland

My sister had two children who were close in age. What one didn’t think of getting into, the other one did.

One day she’d had it after discovering the kids had just run muddy hands under the wet sheets on the clothesline. She rinsed the sheets again and hung them, then sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Some rest and peace! That’s all I want—some rest and peace!”

The kids behaved the rest of the day. At bedtime, their dad tucked them in and put some money on their nightstand. 

“Tomorrow is Mother’s Day,” he said. ”We’ll go out and buy Mom a nice present.”

But early the next morning, the kids snuck down the hill to Mrs. Pimperton’s general store to shop on their own.

When they approached the cash register with their gift, Mrs. Pimperton looked at them, surprised. 

“You sure your mom wants this for Mother’s Day?” she asked. 

“Yeah, she said so,” they replied.

After getting it up the hill and into the house, they couldn’t wait to show their mom, so they opened the bedroom door and shouted, “Happy Mother’s Day!” 

My sister sat up in bed and saw her Mother’s Day gift—a plastic floral wreath on a three-legged wire stand with the words “Rest in Peace.”

Memory problems

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

An elderly couple was having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”

He replied, “To the kitchen.”

She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

Then his wife asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

“No, I can remember that.”

“Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down ’cause I know you’ll forget that,” his wife said.

“I can remember that,” he assured her. “You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replied, “Well, I would also like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.”

Slightly irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write that down.” He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and asked, “Where’s my toast?”

Fortune teller

Submitted by Bob Brezeale

A redneck named Bubba opens the door of a fortune teller’s shop. The fortune teller says, “Come on in, Bubba.” 

Startled, Bubba asks, “How’d you know my name?”

The fortune teller replies, “I’m clairvoyant.”

Bubba says, “Nice to meet you, Clair. But how’d you know my name?”

My mother was so wise…

Submitted by J. Lawien

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

My mother taught me religion.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about time travel.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me more logic.

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me foresight.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me irony.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about contortionism.

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?!”

My mother taught me about stamina.

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about weather.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about hypocrisy.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the circle of life.

“I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about behavior modification.

“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about envy.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about anticipation.

“Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me about receiving.

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me medical science.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me ESP.

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

My mother taught me humor.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me how to become an adult.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me genetics.

“You’re just like your father.”

My mother taught me about my roots.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me wisdom.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

My mother taught me about justice.

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”